Millcreek School District to Replace Small Bats With Large Ones, Amid Backlash

The Millcreek School District has received national media attention for distributing small bats to teachers, in an effort to combat school shootings. Now, the District is backtracking and trying to do some damage control. “We’ve heard the concerns locally and nationally. We’ve realized our mistake and have come up with a solution”, district administration says. “The bats we distributed are too small and we have ordered full size Louisville Sluggers for our entire faculty.” The move was applauded by a majority of local residents who have no experience in education or law enforcement. “This here is great!”, one local man said after an emergency school board meeting. “I use the same technique to chase raccoons off my porch. Those little rascals go runnin’ when they see me comin’.” The additional expense is not expected to be an extra burden on the taxpayers. The funds for the new bats will simply be redistributed from money for new text books, which have now been put on hold.

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