‘Cleveland Sports Fan’ Now Classified As Mental Illness

The DSM has a new chapter today, as being a Cleveland sports fan is added to the list of diagnosable illnesses. The move comes after supporters of the city were somehow surprised, yet again, to be left heartbroken after one of their teams found themselves in the playoffs. “It’s actually an entirely new classification,” said one of the leading mental health experts from the Cleveland Clinic. “This is the first mental illness that is completely voluntary. People actually choose to put themselves through this. It’s both baffling and fascinating at the same time.” More studies still need to be done on the disorder to fully understand the scope of symptoms. So far, those affected seem to go through cycles of unfounded hope and optimism to eventual crushing disappointment and depression. “We still have a lot of research ahead of us,” the physician said. “If you know someone who is afflicted with being a Cleveland fan, please make sure they don’t have access to anything they’ll be able to hurt themselves with.” Doctors say the only way to treat the disease, as of now, are large amounts of alcohol and starting conversations about who the Browns might draft next year. A new drug is in development, but much like the Browns, results are not expected for several years.

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