Erie Police To Place Violent Offenders On Double Secret Probation

In a strongly worded letter, set to be mailed on Wednesday, Erie Police will inform known violent offenders that they will be placed on Double Secret Probation, effective immediately, and will be warned to the furthest extent of the law if they commit any further crimes. “We’ve come to a point of no return with […]

Pennsylvania Budget Held Up Over Unpaid Fantasy Football Dues

Breaking news this morning as the true cause of the stalemate over the Pennsylvania state budget has been discovered; unpaid fantasy football dues. An email, uncovered by our reporters, states that the league commissioner, who is a member of the House, is still waiting on dues by several members of the Senate. “How can we […]

North East’s Inflatable 5k Looks To Set Record For Sprained Ankles

North East is not only home to Winefest this weekend, but it may soon be the world record holder of sprained ankles sustained in a five hour stretch. The Inflatable 5k kicked off Saturday morning with just that goal in mind. “Our purpose here is to have fun, be we are really trying to set […]

Erie Locals Excited To Drink Shoulder To Shoulder With Strangers At Winefest

North East’s annual Wine Fest is getting ready to kick off Friday night and local wine drinkers are ready to stand uncomfortably close to strangers in order to get a glass. “It’s my favorite time of year,” one North East woman said. “Sure I could just buy a bottle and drink at home with a […]

Erie Couple Mugged By Infant

Two Erie citizens are talking to police this morning after allegedly being mugged on Erie’s West side by a three month old infant. “I’ll never forget those eyes,” one of the victims said. “They were almost alien like. It was like he was staring right through me. Chilled me to the bone.” The couple stated […]

Erie TV Station Replaces News Broadcasts With Powerpoint Of Newspaper

One local television station is taking a new approach to news, by eliminating all on air personalities. Instead the station will air a thirty minute Powerpoint presentation of the Erie Times News from that day. “It’s a move that we’ve been eyeing for a long time,” the station’s V.P. told us. “The research shows that […]

Pope Francis To Make Surprise Celebrity Bartending Appearance At Brewerie

The People’s Pope, as some call him, is kicking off his U.S. tour on Tuesday, but is adding one surprise stop to his list, Erie, PA. The pontiff will make an appearance Tuesday behind the bar raising money for Catholic Charities. “We’re incredibly excited to have him,” event organizers said. “We didn’t even reach out […]

Erie Zoo Orangutan Launches Write In Campaign For City Council

If one local aspiring politician has his way, there will be no more monkey business at City Hall. The male orangutan at the Erie Zoo has announced that he will be launching a campaign for one of the open seats on Erie’s City Council. “Me tired of nonsense,” he said through his sign language interpreter. […]

Pissing Match Between City Council And Mayor Over Strays Cancelled By Rain

The mess over which local shelter will house Erie’s strays is still ongoing and has now devolved into a literal pissing match. The bout was originally scheduled for Saturday afternoon, has been postponed due to rain, but the wind was expected to be more of a factor. “It’s not something that we like to have […]